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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271427">Stolen Kisses</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aravenwood/pseuds/aravenwood'>aravenwood</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nicky Has Anxiety [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, M/M, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Has Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Post-Movie: The Old Guard (2020), Protective Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:40:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271427</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aravenwood/pseuds/aravenwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The days following the lab escape are difficult for all of them, and Nicky struggles with how to act around Booker.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Andy | Andromache of Scythia &amp; Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani &amp; Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Booker | Sebastien le Livre &amp; Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nicky Has Anxiety [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908736</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>409</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Stolen Kisses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susangel/gifts">Susangel</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi again! Thanks for a really great response to my previous fic in this series. This is a second entry into my Nicky has an anxiety disorder!verse. It was based on a comment by Susangel, who suggested "maybe Nicky has a panic attack in front of the team and Booker feels guilty because he knows he is indirectly responsible?..." I saw that comment and this entire fic popped into my head pretty much immediately. </p><p>Thanks for the great suggestion and I hope you all enjoy it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the days following his panic attack, Nicky is even quieter than normal. He spends a lot of time in the kitchen, baking breads and cakes and pastries with music playing softly in the background. The music starts off as soft classical pieces from Italy but changes to a Disney playlist which has Nile grinning from ear to ear. Joe tries to smile too, but he knows how badly Nicky must be struggling to put on what they once dubbed his emergency playlist. When he hears the first beats of Bare Necessities, Joe hoists himself up onto the counter near Nicky and just watches, half-braced for another attack.</p><p>But it doesn’t come. Nicky keeps baking and Nile keeps singing and Andy watches from the dining table with a half-hearted grin. Once or twice Joe sees Booker bobbing his head along with the music in what should be an endearing gesture, but it does nothing to soothe the anger which has been building for days now.</p><p>“Hey Nicky, these are great!” Nile says around a mouthful of cupcake, Nicky’s third batch this week. She has a blob of yellow icing on her nose and Joe can’t help but laugh at the sight of her trying to lick it off with her tongue. But when he sees her glance Nicky’s way, her expression faltering for a moment, he realises that she’s doing what he’s been trying to do all morning – make Nicky smile.</p><p>He does, but it’s a smile so small and almost watery that Joe can’t stop himself from leaning forwards to press a kiss to the crown of Nicky’s head. It’s something, but not enough. Nicky has been absent all morning, not in body but in mind. The batch of cupcakes are a little burnt on the bottom, the loaf of bread he made at 3am after being unable to sleep a little tough and overworked. His hands have been shaking all morning and evidently even Nile, who’s known him for only a matter of days, knows that something isn’t right.</p><p>It comes to a head several hours later, when Booker steps out of his room to join them for dinner. He’s noticeably nervous – almost as nervous as Nicky has been all day – and won’t meet anyone’s eye as he perches on the edge of one of the dining chairs. It was Nile’s idea to invite him to the table for dinner, hoping that they can clear the air at least a little bit while they’re still deciding on his punishment. Joe hates it – haven’t they been kind enough already, giving him food to eat and allowing him to stay under the same roof? – but as soon as Nicky had agreed, he’d been unable to argue.</p><p>And yet, Nicky is shaking as he brings through plates laden with generous helpings of pasta puttanesca. It’s an old favourite of Andy’s, and judging from the way she gently pulls Nicky by the collar to kiss him on the cheek, she didn’t even have to request it.</p><p>Joe can’t help but grin as Nicky hands him a plate. Even when he’s struggling to hold it together, Nicky is still looking out for the rest of them as much as he ever has.</p><p>“Buon appetito,” Nicky says softly as he sits down to Joe’s left with a plate of his own. A smaller portion, Joe notices with some concern, but that’s not unusual when Nicky is feeling the way he is.</p><p>They eat in near-silence. Nile and Andy are quick to offer their compliments on the meal and Booker follows in their footsteps, muttering a quiet, “tastes great, Nicky,” a few seconds after Andy. Nicky offers each of them a quick nod but for the most part keeps his eyes on his plate.</p><p>Joe doesn’t miss the smiles Nile sends Booker’s way; the soft, reassuring ones like she’s sitting next to a frightened rabbit and not a 200 year old man. He doesn’t miss the way Booker’s shoulders slump a little with every smile, or the way he seems to look a little less miserable. After a few minutes he even works up the courage to meet Joe’s eyes, only to be met with a glare which is normally reserved for those who have harmed or killed Nicky.</p><p>Which, Joe reflects, Booker technically has.</p><p>When dinner is done, Joe stops Nicky before he can clear the table. “You cooked a lovely meal for us, let someone else clean,” he says and presses a soft kiss to Nicky’s lips.</p><p>He doesn’t expect Nicky to flinch, pulling back and dropping his gaze to his lap.</p><p>“Nicky?” Joe calls softly, abandoning the plates on the table and dragging his chair close to Nicky’s so he can take the other man’s hands in his own. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>Nicky says nothing, but his eyes dart from Joe’s face to Booker’s before returning his gaze to their joined hands. His face darkens to a blush and his eyes glisten with unshed tears. He looks…guilty, and Joe suddenly feels sick.</p><p>He turns his gaze to Booker, who’s frowning and staring at Nicky. “Fuck,” Booker whispers, and he’s suddenly on his feet. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I never…fuck, I never wanted you to feel guilty for being in love. I didn’t, I swear it.”</p><p>“But it’s Nicky,” Joe sighs, like it explains everything. And because Booker knows Nicky, and he’s been around to experience the guilty Nicky is sometimes stricken with just for living, he understands exactly what Joe means.</p><p>“Nicky,” Booker calls. Dull eyes meet his. “Nicky, please. I know that you love Joe, and that he loves you. Don’t hide it because of me. It isn’t who you are and I know that. <em>You </em>know that. You can’t pretend to be someone else because of what I…what I did and why. Please. Please don’t do that, you’ll kill me.”</p><p>Nicky swallows thickly, his hand tightening around Joe’s. His eyes twitch between Joe and Booker, growing increasingly frantic. His chest starts to heave and he unconsciously hunches over, his free hand clenching to a fist against his chest. All of a sudden the guilt in his expression is overpowered with fear so profound that Joe’s own chest tightens as a result.</p><p>He hates that panic attacks are still so frightening for both of them after all this time.</p><p>“Shit,” he hisses through his teeth and takes Nicky’s face in his hands, forcing his gaze upwards. “Nicolo. Nicky, it’s alright. Can you breathe with me? Just like we practiced, remember? In…and out…”</p><p>The breathing exercises never work at the start, and yet Joe still feels more and more nauseous as Nicky gasps and wheezes. More than that, he hates that this is happening in front of the rest of them when Nicky spends most of his time making sure he’s the strong, stable one everyone can rely on. He glances up past Nicky’s shoulder to the rest of the team, hoping desperately that they won’t make a big deal of this.</p><p>Andy has her hands clasped in front of her mouth, eyes narrowed at the opposite wall. To anyone else, it would seem like she was praying but Joe knows better – she’s promising pain and slow deaths on anyone who survived from Merrick’s lab, anyone who helped contribute to the spiral of despair and anxiety in Nicky’s head.</p><p>Nile locks eyes with Joe and offers him a weak smile. She doesn’t look confused or afraid, just nods in understanding and begins to gather up the plates. Joe silently thanks the universe for sending her to them.</p><p>And then there’s Booker. He has one hand wrapped tightly around his glass of water, while the other is tangled in his hair. He’s looking almost as miserable as Nicky with red eyes of his own and an expression of such self-loathing that Joe finds himself hating the Frenchman all over again for giving him reason to despise him instead of invite him into a hug and tell him that all is forgiven.</p><p>Fucking Booker.</p><p>Nicky’s panic attack reaches its peak as he buries his face in Joe’s shoulder, letting out harsh sobs which wrack his entire frame. He feels so young, and Joe is reminded of the early days when their relationship was new, when neither of them understood what was happening to them or how they could possibly love a man when it seemed to be so wrong. In those days they were both afraid, both feeling so vulnerable despite all of the evidence which proved them to be invulnerable. There were so many nights when they were finally comfortable enough with each other where one of them would weep and the other would hold them until they were calm, hushing and rocking them in the darkness.</p><p>“Deep breaths,” Joe tries again and this time he can feel Nicky trying, can feel him straining to copy the exercise as Joe counts. It takes time, more time than Joe is comfortable with, but Nicky’s breathing finally evens out save for some tired panting. “Amore mio, you did so well,” Joe whispers and he wants nothing more than to pepper Nicky’s flushed face and neck with kisses. But he holds back.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Booker says from the end of the table. “I…I didn’t mean to-.”</p><p>“Not now,” Andy interrupts, holding out a hand. Her voice is steady, the sort of steady which says she’s holding back. “You can apologise later, but right now Nicky needs some peace and quiet. Joe, do you need any help getting him to his room?”</p><p>Joe shakes his head. “No, we can get there on our own,” he answers, pointedly avoiding looking at Booker who has his face buried in his hands. Instead he focuses on helping Nicky to his feet, dragging one arm over his shoulder and walking the two of them through the house to their bedroom.</p><p>As he’s leaving, he hears Booker’s voice, cracked and watery. “I caused that, didn’t I? He was…he was doing better. And I ruined it. I set him off.”</p><p>If he gets an answer, Joe doesn’t hear it. He returns his focus to Nicky, on easing him onto the bed and stripping him out of his hoodie. Nicky looks more aware now, but his eyes are hooded and he looks in desperate need of a good night’s sleep. But his eyes, when they meet Joe’s, are as clear as ever.</p><p>“I hate this,” Nicky mumbles.</p><p>“I know,” Joe says softly, “but we’ll get through this. Alright? We will. And we will do it together.”</p><p>Nicky doesn’t answer, and Joe sits with him until he falls asleep.</p><p>An hour or so later, there’s a knock on the bedroom door. “Come in,” he whisper-shouts, placing a hand on Nicky’s shoulder as he starts to stir. “Not yet. Go back to sleep,” he says, and Nicky’s body falls slack once more.</p><p>The bedroom door opens, and of course it has to be Booker. Because this day can’t get any worse, anyway.</p><p>“Joe,” the younger man greets.</p><p>“Booker.”</p><p>“I just wanted to…could you…could you tell Nicky that I’m sorry I make him so uncomfortable. I never meant to…I did not want anything to come between you, especially not me. And I’m sorry that what I have done has had such serious consequences. That…that I have brought his attacks back. I…I don’t expect forgiveness, I just wanted to…to tell you both how sorry I am.” And Booker really does look sorry, so apologetic that it pains Joe deep down to see him this way.</p><p>There’s a small part of Joe that wishes he could forgive Booker. That he could say “don’t do it again” and it would all be fixed. But it’s not that simple. It never is with any of them. And he hates it, hates that he wants to forgive Booker and that he can’t.</p><p>Things can never be easy for any of them. And he suspects that things will only get harder from here.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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